Messenger (Mary Hades) Read online

  “What’s the matter, sweetheart?” Mother Ariel said as she rushed into the room.

  She folded me into her arms and pressed her head of strawberry blonde hair next to mine. Jack hovered a few feet away from us with his hands jammed into the pockets of his jeans. Through my tears, I could see that he was concerned, but more than likely a little afraid of my outburst. Since then, I’ve learned that boys don’t seem to know what to do when girls cry. Perhaps if they let themselves cry once in a while, they would know how to act. No one should be ashamed to cry.

  “Did you start your period?” Mother Ariel asked.

  At that, Jack’s eyes widened. He backed away and almost tripped over a bed trying to get out of the room.

  I shook my head. “No, it isn’t that.”

  “Then what is it?” she asked. “Has someone upset you?”

  I glanced around the room. Brother Bram had left, something I was glad of. Most of the family were getting breakfast or out working. Aunty Susan was tidying her bed across the room, but I figured that if I talked quietly enough she wouldn’t be able to hear me.

  “I’m frightened that you won’t believe me,” I said.

  “Why would you think that?” Mother Ariel smoothed my hair away from my face, and then touched the back of her hand to my forehead, feeling the warmth of my skin. “You can tell me anything. You know that, right?”

  I bundled the hem of my nightgown into my hands and leaned forward, avoiding her eyes. She had always told me that I could confide in her about anything, but there were problems, and then there was admitting that there might be something wrong with me.

  “Do you still think about Alfie?” I asked.

  “Of course I do, honey. We all miss him. He was our Brother.”

  “What do you think happened to him?” I said.

  Mother Ariel paused. “He was taken onto a new path by God. You know that.”

  “I don’t think so,” I said. I knew that what I was about to say could never be unsaid, so it all came out in a rush. “I think he’s dead, because I keep sensing him near us. I think his ghost is here. It’s in my dreams. I see his coat… and… and I see his face. I saw him on the moors. His face was all broken and bruised as though someone had hurt him. I’m scared, Mummy. I don’t want him to hurt anymore.”

  Mother Ariel’s face was a taut mask when she pulled me into her arms. She was pale, and her lips were pressed into a line. I think I knew even then that she didn’t believe me.

  “Don’t worry, my baby. I’m going to tell Father Merciful all about this,” she soothed. “He’s going to help us both. There’s nothing to be frightened of. I’m here now. Mummy’s here.”

  But she was wrong.

  *

  Later that day, Father Merciful called a congregation, and we went to hear his sermon. I looked for Aunty Cassie, but she wasn’t there. The newcomer, Sister Katherine, sat at the front. She looked different already. Her hair was loose. She wore a bright pink flowing dress, and a thick knit cardigan. I guessed it had been made by Aunty Susan. She liked to knit and crochet a lot. Jack and Blu sit with Mother Ariel and me. Like always, we were quite far back. But then Brother Jacob walked up to me and offered me his hand.

  “Father Merciful would like you to sit at the front today,” he said, smiling with his mouth but not his eyes.

  I glanced across at Jack and Mother Ariel, waiting for their approval. Mother nodded enthusiastically, but Jack’s brow furrowed. He shook his head slightly. But I couldn’t say no to Brother Jacob, and I definitely could not disobey a request from Father Merciful. There was a tickling feeling in my stomach, like a butterfly fluttering its wings against my insides. I decided to ignore it and take Brother Jacob’s hand. He led me down to the front, where I sat next to Sister Katherine.

  “Hello again,” she said with warmth in her voice.

  I nodded my hello. I hadn’t seen much of her since she’d joined the congregation. She had mostly been in the kitchen with the other Aunties, or in the farmhouse, cleaning and tidying. I was always outside, watering plants in the greenhouse or washing the flagstones in the courtyard. I felt somewhat proud that she was here, because she had come because of my leaflet. I was the one who had saved her soul. Except this new feeling of unease also made me feel guilty that I’d brought her here. What had I done? Had I made life more difficult for her?

  I tried to ignore those feelings, but they kept pushing back. When I wasn’t thinking of Alfie, or my terrible dreams, I thought of what Jack had said to me about leaving. I wondered if I could leave too, and take Mother Ariel with me. I got a sour taste in my mouth for even considering it. It was crazy. I needed to calm down.

  Father Merciful went on with his sermon. Then we stood to sing hymns. I tried to sing along, but my voice seemed stuck in my throat, so I half-whispered them instead. Then we prayed, and Father Merciful told us about what God had planned for us, that there would be a bountiful harvest, and that we would rejoice. He told us that Judgement Day was still coming, but that God was pleased with our progress. He was going to reward us for all the hard work we had put into the new home. There was nothing in there about Alfie. Everyone seemed to ignore the fact he was missing. I wanted to scream his name. But I didn’t. I simply sat there.

  “There are times when a member of our congregation begins to lose her way. Those times sadden me. I hate to see a good, God-loving person start to let Satan into her heart. I hate it. But we all know what we need to do when one of our own begins to let in Satan. We need to help her. Isn’t that right?”

  “Amen,” the congregation said.

  Brother Jacob walked up to me and placed a hand on my arm. Before I had time to register what was going on, he’d pulled me up and was walking me to the stage. I looked at him, and then at Father Merciful. My stomach dropped. I knew what was coming next.

  “My dear, sweet daughter Willa. It hurts me more than you can know to say this. It physically hurts me to admit it. But you have been letting Satan into your heart. Isn’t that right?”

  I shook my head. Tears sprang into my eyes. I was surrounded by the judgemental eyes of the congregation. They looked at me with stiff expressions on their faces. They saw the devil when they looked at me. Maybe I felt the devil, too. I felt him lurking in my veins and in my being. In my soul.

  “I’m in physical pain when I look at you,” Father Merciful said. “Like I would be with any one of you. Willa, you have been seeing images put there by the devil. You have been letting him into your dreams. Your nature has tempted Satan, and now he has seeped into your body and is corrupting your soul. Isn’t that right?”

  Father Merciful held the microphone up to my lips. My eyes were wet with tears now. I didn’t want to speak, but that microphone never moved.

  “Yes,” I said.

  Father Merciful moved away, walking back and forth across the stage, gesturing to the enraptured crowd. “There is only one Messenger of God in this congregation. What this little girl sees is Satan trying to tempt her away from the path of righteousness. Plain and simple. No one receives messages from God apart from me. No one.”

  “Amen,” said the group.

  I found Jack’s face in the crowd. He was holding a hand over his mouth. I could only see his eyes, but I saw the way they burned with rage. Mother Ariel stared at Father Merciful. Her face was open and loving, but I thought I saw a few tears on her cheeks. My gaze searched the congregation, up and down the rows. Most were blank-faced, or stern, or gazing lovingly at our leader. Then I saw Katherine. Her jaw was tight. Her arms were folded across her chest. She looked at me, and then turned her head towards Father Merciful. For an instant, it seemed that she was furious at him. The sight took me aback. I’d only ever seen Jack behave that way, and that was because he was losing his faith. Could Katherine be losing hers already?

  “We need to rid this little girl of the evil inside her,” Father Merciful said.

  My heart began to pound. I’d seen this done before. I’d witnessed t
he humiliation of others, and now it was my turn. I’d never thought it would happen to me.

  “We all know the only way to rid ourselves of evil is to admit what we are,” Father Merciful said. “Tell them, my sweet daughter.”

  My chin began to wobble. I didn’t want to do it. I wanted everything to go back to normal, but I guessed that it wouldn’t. Nothing would ever be normal again.

  I opened my mouth and spoke. “I am evil. I have tempted Satan with my nature. Father Merciful is the one true Messenger of God. I am a vessel for Satan. I am dirty and wrong. I am corrupted.”

  It was Sister Katherine’s burning eyes that caught my attention when Father Merciful began to speak in tongues. It was her face that I concentrated on through the ordeal.

  Chapter Nine

  I went to bed in tears that night, expecting to be terrorised up at Nooman’s Point again. Instead, I slept like the dead. When I woke up, I was gripping my old teddy bear and shivering because the covers had fallen off. Mother Ariel was awake. She took the covers and pulled them around me.

  “Satan pulled the covers from you in your sleep,” she said. “You should tuck them in tighter.”

  I sat up. “I’m getting up now anyway.” I pulled the covers back, left my bear on the pillow, and went to the bathroom without meeting Mother Ariel’s eyes. I couldn’t pretend that her words didn’t sting me, but at the same time, I had the feeling that she was right.

  It would be so much easier if all of this was just Satan tricking me. It would mean that I hadn’t seen Alfie in my dreams, and that he might not be dead. I washed my face and looked at my swollen eyes in the mirror. I’d left the bathroom door slightly ajar because I’d only gone in there to wash my face. I bent down and splashed some more water onto my sore eyes. When I looked back into the mirror, the door was wide open.

  I spun around. “Who’s there?”

  There was no one in the hall. I turned back so I could get a towel to dry my face, and shrieked. There was another face reflected in the mirror.

  “Sister Willa.” Bram smiled, and his reflection followed suit. “I’m sorry I startled you.”

  I grabbed the towel and dried myself. Seeing him there made my muscles clench up. “What do you need, Brother Bram?”

  “You’ll be working in the barn with me today,” he said. “We’re painting one of the walls.”

  “Very well,” I replied. “I’ll meet you after breakfast.”

  “Sure.” He stood in the doorway as I passed, leaving me a small gap to walk through. When our bodies touched, I felt a shudder work its way down my spine.

  I hurried through to the bedroom with my arms folded across my body, trying not to think about Bram and his smile.

  *

  I managed to convince Mother Ariel to change Jack’s duties for the day so that he would be painting the barn too. I didn’t want to be alone with Bram.

  If Bram was surprised to see Jack, he did a good job of covering it up. He nodded to Jack, picked up his brush and got to work. I didn’t see even a glimmer of disappointment. It threw me for a moment. I’d thought that Bram had arranged this to be alone with me. Now I wasn’t so sure. That had me second guessing whether my instincts were wrong. Either that, or Bram was excellent at hiding his true feelings. Another real possibility.

  Jack and Bram were so stubborn that day that neither of them would leave the barn for any reason. I had to go to the kitchen for pitchers of water. I had to collect a bucket to rinse our brushes in. Neither would leave me alone with the other one. The difference was, I trusted that Jack was behaving like that for the right reasons. I didn’t feel the same way about Bram.

  Finally, Bram relented and disappeared, probably to use the bathroom. But he did it in typical Bram style, with a smile on his face and nonchalance in his walk.

  Jack turned to me. “Father Merciful was wrong to do that to you. You are not evil. You do not tempt Satan.” I tried to ignore him and carry on with the painting, but Jack grabbed my arm and pulled me away. “Listen to me. I need to say this now, before Bram comes back. Don’t believe anything he says to you. He’s not the Messenger of God. He’s not anything. He’s just a charlatan who thinks he can control everything. You don’t have an evil bone in your body.”

  “Don’t say those things. Father Merciful is our leader. He’s our Father. If we don’t trust him, we have nothing.”

  “We have each other,” he insisted. “We have ourselves.”

  “He was right. I have been letting Satan in, because I keep talking to you. You’re putting these evil thoughts in my head. I wish you’d stop.”

  Jack sighed. “Do you really think that?”

  I looked down at my hands. Some paint dripped from the brush and splattered onto the concrete floor. It splattered in a disjointed mess because my hands were shaking.

  “I don’t know what to think anymore,” I admitted. “Why isn’t anyone trying to find Alfie?”

  “Exactly,” Jack said. “Why are we letting a little boy disappear without doing anything? Why are a bunch of adults taking drugs and praying instead of going to the police?”

  “Where is Aunty Cassie?” I said. “Jack, do we need to go to the police?”

  Jack nodded. “Maybe. Next time we’re in the town, we’ll go.”

  “I don’t really think you’re putting evil inside my head,” I said. “I’m just so confused. I keep thinking that I have to believe everything Father Merciful says. If I don’t believe him, if I don’t trust in him, then all of this is for nothing. My entire life. My mother. And we’ve wasted all this time when we could have gone to the police about Alfie in the first place. Maybe that’s the real evil.”

  Jack didn’t respond to that, I think because he realised I was right. Yeah, we were kids stuck in the middle of a terrible situation, but we were accountable too. Most of the blame rested on the shoulders of every adult in the commune, but we were more than capable of getting out of that place and going to the town. We let ourselves trust that the adults knew best, but you know what? Adults don’t always know best just because they’re adults. Getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser. Not always. There are times when people are stuck in one place, like a twig caught in thick mud. They never change, they never evolve with the times, because they don’t allow themselves to. That’s what happened to every person in the Congregation of Angels. Everyone except Jack and me. I changed more over those few weeks than I think I have in all the time since. I needed to. We both did.

  Brother Bram came back at that moment. If he noticed anything different about Jack and me, he didn’t say anything. He picked up his brush and carried on painting the wall. By the end of the day, the entire wall was white. Now Father Merciful had a white wall to serve as a backdrop for his preaching. But just like the white paint hiding the dirt behind it, his white suit, and his words, hid Alfie’s blood from our view.

  *

  After I’d washed up and eaten a bowl of bean stew, I broached the idea of Jack and I going to the town with Mother Ariel.

  “It’s not my decision,” she said. “I don’t decide on those things. It’s Brother Jacob you need to ask.”

  I glanced over at Brother Jacob. He was sat with Aunty Susan. The two of them had their heads bowed and were discussing something that looked important. It was rare to see Brother Jacob in the main house. He usually stayed with Father Merciful in his private quarters. I decided that I needed to be brave for Alfie, so I walked over to them.

  “Hello, Sister Willa. What can we do for you?” Aunty Susan said. She was a brisk woman who always sounded a little annoyed. Even though she intimidated me, I got the feeling that it was an unintentional brusqueness. She had never been cruel, or punished me. She was just a very businesslike person who didn’t seem to have much time to spare.

  “I… I was hoping to talk to Brother Jacob,” I said.

  “Go ahead, Sister.” Jacob waved a hand and raised his eyebrow with a look of bored expectancy. Amusement played with the corner of his lip.


  “Jack and I think it’s time to go back to the town. We’re ready to give out leaflets. It was only a few weeks ago that we brought Sister Katherine to the group, and we think we can find more recruits to join us.” When I finished speaking, I felt immensely proud of myself for saying the words. But I had my hands balled into fists so that Jacob couldn’t see me trembling.

  “Absolutely not,” Brother Jacob replied.

  That feeling of pride sank into the depths of my stomach. “But… why not?”

  “None of us are permitted into the town. It’s a direct order from Father Merciful,” he replied.

  I opened my mouth to speak, but then closed it again. A direct order from Father Merciful could not be questioned. I knew that. There was no way I could argue against it. I would attract too much attention to myself.

  “Thank you, Brother Jacob. I trust in Father Merciful’s infinite wisdom,” I said, even though the words tasted sour in my mouth.

  I turned away, feeling as though the entire commune was watching me, and walked back to Mother Ariel, Jack and Blu. I sat down next to Jack and shook my head very slowly. He let out a sigh.

  There was a prickle on the back of my neck, which I recognised from when I felt someone was watching me. When I looked up, Katherine’s gaze met mine. She smiled at me. It was a sad smile, I thought, one that made her eyes look glassy. She held my gaze for a little too long. Then she went back to her meal. I tried to warm up my arms, which had gone cold, but it didn’t work, so I walked through to the bedroom to get my cardigan.

  Something in the window caught my eye. I pulled my cardigan over my shoulders and walked over to look. It was twilight, and the sky was a misty indigo. Despite my cardigan, I was cold all over. My heart skipped a beat. He was here—Alfie was here. I saw his small frame and the red coat. I also saw his pale skin, and the luminosity of his figure. He was an angel, I thought, and he was definitely dead.