Messenger (Mary Hades) Page 4

  “Up towards Nooman’s Point,” I said.

  He frowned. “What’s Nooman’s Point?”

  “It’s a rocky summit,” I said. “One of the locals told us the name.” I thought of the woman’s laugh and shuddered so hard my bones shook.

  “Very well. You will go to Nooman’s Point.”

  Mother Ariel directed us away while Jacob addressed the rest of the crowd. Brother Noah was Bram’s older half-brother, but very different from Bram. He never smiled. He hardly ever spoke. He kept to himself, and his mother, Susan, one of the oldest in the group. Brother Noah was in his twenties and had been born before his mother came to the Congregation of Angels. Aunty Susan was one of Father Merciful’s first choices to make children with; nine months later, Bram arrived.

  As we made our way up to Nooman’s Point, the thick clouds began to release rain. It was drizzle at first, but then it turned into real rain, and none of us had had the foresight to bring a coat. I hugged my body and called Alfie’s name out into the wind. I searched every part of the landscape, looking for Alfie’s bright red coat. I thought of his small, vulnerable face looking up at me in the farmhouse, and his telling me about his nightmares and then racing me to the top of the hill. My lips mumbled a prayer as the freezing cold rain soaked through my underwear.

  Alfie’s name was a song on the hills that night. We called his name from high and low. It was screamed into the wind and through the misty rain. Male voices, female voices, young and old, we called his name to God and waited for a reply.

  I ran the last few feet up to Nooman’s Point, feeling an ache in my legs as I went. The stone jutted out like a chin, overseeing the bone-breaking drop below. I hurried towards it, slipping in the mud. There was a shadow, like a piece of lint floating across my eye. I rushed forward. The shadow was gone, but the edge of the rock almost dragged me along the smooth surface.

  I didn’t want to look down, but I had to. I didn’t want to move closer, but I had to. Rain dribbled down my back. My trainers slipped on the wet stone surface. My heart was pounding, thumping the blood through my body. I stepped forward. The drop was a dark canyon of shadow. There were other jagged rocks poking out on the descent. Below that was green grass and mud. The cliff was at least three stories high. If Alfie had fallen, he wouldn’t have survived.

  It calls to you.

  No Man’s Point, because no man should ever go there.

  I heard the echo of the old woman’s laughter ringing in my ears. I didn’t want to look down, but I had to. If Alfie was there, I needed to know.

  Another step, another little slip. I regained my balance by holding out my arms. I was a foot away from the edge. Two steps and I would be falling. I leaned forward. I had to look. Another inch closer. I leaned more. There was nothing. I was about to straighten up when something caught my eye from deep down in the drop. I could swear it was a figure, a dark, shadowy figure. I gasped, and once more I was leaning farther, trying to crane my neck so I could see it. I blinked and the shadow was gone, but I was slipping on the wet stone. My arms flailed out, I was off balance and tumbling forward.

  No, no, no, no. This wasn’t my path. This wasn’t how I would meet God.

  There was a sharp pain in my forearm, and something jerked me back. I landed on my backside at Jack’s feet. He dragged me away from Nooman’s Point, and I was pulled into Mother Ariel’s arms.

  “What were you doing?” Jack asked. His eyes were hard and his jaw was tight. He was mad at me.

  “I had to see,” I said. I was breathless and shaking. “I had to see what was down there.”

  *

  We were a sodden mess when we came down from the hills. My hair was stuck to my face, and my shoes squelched when I walked. But none of that mattered, not when Alfie was out there alone in the rain. Mother had to drag me away from the search at nightfall. We were the last group to get back to the farmhouse. I started to cry as soon as I saw Aunty Cassie’s hopeful face. Her gaze trailed all around us, searching for a glimpse of her boy. But Alfie was still alone out there somewhere, and her hopeful expression broke into one of despair.

  “We couldn’t find him,” Mother Ariel said. Her voice was rough, like there was gravel in her mouth. “We’ll try the town tomorrow. He’s going to be all right.”

  But she didn’t sound certain.

  I washed and changed into my thickest pyjamas. Some of us drank some broth before bed, but I couldn’t eat. Jack slept near us that night. Before I put my head down onto the bed, I looked up to see Bram sitting across the room, his head bent and his arms resting on his knees. He seemed just as upset as the rest of us, which almost surprised me. Maybe he wasn’t as bad as I thought.

  The next morning, some of the aunties had made porridge, which they passed around in chipped bowls. All the fear, exhaustion and worry had taken the life out of me, and I’d slept well, considering everything. Aunty Cassie hadn’t. Her eyes were ringed with black and red, like two huge bruises. After we ate, the Brothers drove us into the town, where we showed photographs of Alfie to the locals. I described Alfie’s red overcoat with tears in my eyes. Everyone we spoke to told us to go to the police, but Father Merciful wouldn’t like that.

  Jack dragged his hands down his face and kicked the pavement. “We’re not going to find him without going to the police.”

  “Keep your voice down,” I hissed, all too aware of how close Aunty Susan was standing near us. We’d tried to spread out through the town, but it was still a small area. “Father Merciful says the police are in league with the devil, and Mother Ariel says they would take us away and put us in the system.”

  “Maybe the system isn’t so bad,” Jack said bitterly. “Can it really be any worse? Father Merciful tried to kill us last week.”

  I spoke through gritted teeth, angry at Jack for making Alfie’s disappearance another excuse to say terrible things about Father Merciful. “You know full well that Father was told by God that it was Judgement Day. It’s not our fault that God changed his path.”

  Jack let out a hollow laugh. “I can’t believe I never saw it before. It’s like I’ve been walking around with sunglasses on and someone came along and said, ‘Hey, stop wearing those glasses, dickhead. See things for how they really are.’ If I could meet that guy, I’d worship him and not the God who’s supposed to love—”

  “Stop it!” I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t cope with Alfie disappearing, Bram’s strange behaviour, and Jack losing his faith all at the same time. “Just stop it, Jack. Stop it.” The photograph trembled between my fingers. A flush of heat spread up my neck, my jumper felt restrictive, and I couldn’t breathe. I was choked with sobs, and my knees were weak.

  “All right,” he said. He put his arm around my waist and guided me over to a bench. “It’s all right. I’ve stopped. I’m sorry, Willa. I let my own selfish needs come before Alfie and the rest of the congregation. I won’t do that again, I promise.”

  I nodded and put my hand in his. It was a while before I could breathe properly again. It was even longer before my hands stopped shaking. Even in the car on the way back to the farmhouse, I felt lightheaded and cold, as though all the blood had drained from my face.

  “Father Merciful has called a congregation,” Brother Jacob told us when we walked into the farmhouse. “We’re to meet in the barn after lunch.”

  I nodded, not meeting Jacob’s eyes. I could never tell what he was thinking, and that made me nervous.

  “We’ll be there, Brother Jacob,” Jack said.

  After Jacob left, I tried to eat lunch, but our food supplies were low, and I didn’t feel like eating any more fruit and nuts. Instead I drank the sour-tasting water and sat quietly with Jack at my side, drained from the emotional morning.

  “It’s time,” Jack said eventually. “I hope this is going to be a short session.”

  The group met in the barn, which was now filled with our chairs. Father Merciful stood on a stage made out of wooden pallets with his head bowed and
the tips of his fingers pressed against his lips. I sat towards the back of the congregation, with Mother Ariel and Aunty Blu close by. Jacob stood at the side of the stage. In the front row was Aunty Cassie, with Brother Bram and Aunty Susan next to her.

  “What’s he going to do about Alfie disappearing?” Jack whispered. “That’s what I want to know.”

  We started with prayer. I whispered my hopes up to heaven. I hoped that Alfie was safe. I prayed for him to come home and be reunited with Aunty Cassie. Then we sang half a dozen slow hymns. It was over half an hour before Father Merciful even mentioned Alfie’s disappearance.

  “There’s some sadness hanging over the family today,” he said, walking along his wooden pallets with his hands folded as though in prayer. “One of our Brothers has wandered away from his flock. It makes our hearts heavy not to see him sitting here with us today. And, Brothers and Sisters, my heart is the heaviest.” He placed a palm over his heart. “If you only knew how heavy my heart is. A child of mine is alone, and I can do nothing about it. You see, we’re all on a path to righteousness. We’re all chosen by God. But sometimes our paths differ from one another. Most of the time our paths cross because we are a family, but sometimes God leads one or two of us away from the rest of the family, and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

  At this point Father Merciful nodded to Jacob, who took a small bag from the side of the stage and walked towards the front row. “But we won’t be sad for our Brother Alfie. We will rejoice that he has God with him, and whatever his fate, God will never leave his side. If God chooses for Alfie to come back to us, then that is his destiny. If he never returns, then that is his destiny, too.”

  Brother Jacob handed something to the people in the front row. It looked like a small piece of paper folded up. Jack went very stiff next to me.

  “Brother Bram, perhaps you should take the children back to the farmhouse. It’s time for the adults to meditate, and we need to do so without distraction.” Father Merciful smiled. “But first let us pray for our Brother. Alfie, we rejoice that you were in our lives for this short time. You have made us better people for knowing you.”

  Aunty Cassie let out a sob, but Aunt Susan hushed her by handing her something and nodding. Aunty Cassie placed something on her tongue before tipping her head back and swallowing. It was something that had come from the little packages handed out by Brother Jacob.

  “I need to get Mother Blu out of here,” Jack said.

  Bram approached us. Jack took Blu’s hand and pulled her onto her feet. For a brief moment, Blu’s eyes met mine, and her vacant look chilled me to the bone. Jack turned around, trying to get Blu away from the group, but Bram blocked her way.

  “Father Merciful needs the adults to pray,” he said with that same smile.

  “I don’t care. You’re not giving her drugs,” Jack replied. “She’s too vulnerable.”

  “Don’t you want Brother Alfie to follow God’s path? Father Merciful needs all the adults to stay and pray.” Bram’s smile widened, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

  “That’s okay, Brother Bram,” Father Merciful said from the front of the stage. He didn’t look at us; he was sideways, in profile. “Let them go.”

  I followed Jack out of the congregation, looking back once from the edge of the barn. Mother Ariel placed something on her tongue and then leaned back into her chair. She didn’t seem to notice me leave.

  Chapter Six

  For the rest of the night we ate bread and butter in the kitchen and made warm milk for the smaller children. Jack stayed with Blu in the bedroom and read the Bible with her. I didn’t think for a second that Jack wanted to read the Bible, but he knew that it calmed his mother.

  Aunty Blu hadn’t always been like that. I have vague memories of her reading to Jack once. I remember her smile, and the way she used to laugh with Mother Ariel. But one day something changed. Mother Ariel said it was like a jigsaw puzzle that had gotten all mixed up over time. One day all the pieces were in the right place, then a few got out of place, then they got all mixed up, and eventually there were pieces missing. Jack wanted her to get out of the congregation to find help, but who apart from God could help her? Who were we to say she needed help? Maybe this was how God intended her to live. Maybe this was her path. That was how I felt back then. There are times when I still wonder if we have a path to God. I know more than I did then, but I still think about it. I still can’t decide.

  I stood in the kitchen with my mind drifting back to thoughts of Alfie. As much as I wanted to believe what Father Merciful had said, I couldn’t stand the thought of Alfie all alone. It made me hurt, deep in my stomach. It made me think that everything was wrong with the world. It made me angry, too, at Father Merciful and even at God. I wanted to believe that Alfie was safe, but I couldn’t imagine him safe while he was alone. He was just a little kid. But most of all I was tired.

  Bram was playing games with the children. I wanted to stay with them, not to play, just to watch, but my eyes drooped. I staggered into the lounge that we’d turned into a bedroom, found my bed, and half collapsed into sleep.

  It was late in the night when I woke to hear the sounds of the others coming to bed. In the dim light, I caught the glazed look of Mother Ariel’s eyes. I searched the room for Aunty Cassie, but she wasn’t there. I thought about asking Mother Ariel, but the slack expression on her face told me that she wouldn’t be able to answer me anyway. Instead, I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep, but all I could think about was Alfie’s red overcoat.

  The next morning all the adults slept in late while the children made toast, tea, and coffee under Bram’s instructions.

  “They aren’t to be disturbed,” Bram said. “They used up all their energy praying for Alfie last night.”

  Jack let out a snort.

  “Problem, Jack?” Bram asked.

  Jack shook his head and took another bite of toast.

  When there was a knock at the door we all jumped, even Bram. He got calmly to his feet, scraping the kitchen chair against the stone floor, and walked over to the door. I heard a familiar voice outside and decided to investigate.

  It was the woman from the town, the one who’d asked me a lot of questions. She stood smiling at Bram, her greying mousy hair pulled back into a ponytail and her hands pushed into her jeans pockets.

  “I interested in joining your congregation,” she said. “I came across a leaflet in Buxton and I was talking to one of your girls and it sounds… Oh, there she is! Hello! Do you remember me?”

  I nodded.

  “Well, I followed the instructions. I came along to find out more about you.” She paused. “I’ve been wanting to get away from my life for a while now. There’s no spiritual connection in the corporate world. I’m sick of it all. I want a family. I want to join your family.”

  “I’ll take you to Brother Jacob,” Bram said. “Just wait out there one moment.”

  Bram shut the door and came back into the kitchen. With a stern look on his face, he met the eyes of every one of us. “Do not tell this woman about Alfie. We don’t want her running to the police. It’s for God to decide what happens to Alfie, all right? We can’t trust her, not yet. Not until Father Merciful has told us that we can.”

  *

  At the congregation, Father Merciful told us all about his heavy heart, but somehow, I couldn’t imagine anyone’s heart was heavier than mine as we went about our day as though nothing had happened. We started on a vegetable patch, turning the soil and planting seeds in a greenhouse. It was the wrong time of year for growing crops, but we were short on food so we needed to do something.

  The adults were like zombies that day; they barely spoke. But I did discover that Cassie was staying in Father Merciful’s private quarters to help her come to terms with Alfie’s change in path, and that at sundown there would be an initiation ceremony for the newcomer. Her name was Katherine Maynard, apparently. She used to be a doctor, practising the medicine of the towns. We didn’
t use much of that medicine in the commune, only when the Aunties had babies, or we were really sick.

  At lunchtime I slipped away from the others and walked up towards Nooman’s Point. I couldn’t bring myself to go right to the top, but I needed to move, to walk. When I called Alfie’s name, I could swear that someone was watching me, but when I turned around there was no one there. That happened three times, but there was never anyone there. When it started to rain I walked back to the farm, trying not to slip on the wet ground.

  For the rest of the day, Jack and I helped the Aunties prepare for Katherine’s initiation. That meant making food, but seeing as we were low on provisions, we needed cheap, filling bites to eat. So that day I spent a lot of time kneading bread while Jack chopped vegetables for a stew. Mother Ariel soaked dried lentils and washed fruit. By the evening, we’d managed to bake ten loaves, cook a bean-and-sausage stew, and prepare three fruit pies. I should’ve felt proud of our achievements, but I didn’t; I felt hollow. For some reason, it all felt like a lie. I was about to go out there and pretend that Alfie wasn’t missing. I had to act as though everything was fine. And why shouldn’t I? Everyone else was.

  We set up the barn, spreading out a table and laying down the food. We’d go to the barn after the ceremony. After every initiation ceremony we went to our place of worship. At the old commune, it was an outdoor space that we’d cleared. In winter, it was freezing, so we sometimes cleared a space in the bedroom, shoving all the beds to the edges of the room. The place echoed with our laughter back then.

  Finally the rain cleared, so we could collect stones and wood to build an outdoor fire. It was important that we had a fire when someone new joined the congregation. Father Merciful said that it represented being cleansed of our sins, and starting a new path towards holiness.

  I looked up at the sky, watching the clouds drift away. They left behind a clear sky, which I thought could be a sign that things would go well. At one time I wouldn’t even have questioned whether it was a sign or not, I would’ve just believed. But after Jack had confided in me about losing his faith, and with Alfie missing, and the constant gnawing in my stomach telling me that things were not okay, I wasn’t so sure anymore.